You know it's bad when you turn down a side street.

New Year... really?

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:54:36 GMT

I've definitely gone through a fair share of struggles over the past year, and several of the preceding years, too. In 2008- I tried to think my way out, write my way out, argue my way out, and eventually decided that I should have just punched my way out. Sayings like, "it will get better," or "just focus on the positive," are not actually that helpful when so many negative things are going on. The best part of everyday was usually when I slept- which happened between hours of lying in bed willing myself to die.

While I don't entirely disagree with things like, "The Secret," or anything else based on the law of attraction- I often found them to be an abismal load of crap because you can't pretend the bad away when the universe is not offering a whisper of goodness. The worst thing I ever did was to envision the things I want- because 99 times out of 100 they don't turn out that way and then I'm just disappointed with how crappy things can be. That being said, I think that such things are much more possible when there is a small amount of positive ground to stand on.

Things like a calendar change do well for me. I tend to retain dates or general feelings of dates pretty well. This time last year I was dreading going back to work and felt like I was going to throw up. A year later, I feel like I'll actually make it through tomorrow's activities and might actually have a good time. This year is 4/365ths on the way to being an actually decent year. Once I start making some money (and I literally mean some money) then things will start to improve bit by bit. I'm not sure where things will go this year- but the year has to be a lot better given the horrific lows of 2008.

There are some things that I've definitely learned about myself and I want any of you to remind me of this if I have a hard time again. These will be redefined as time goes on when I have better labels for them. (I remember in 2nd grade I told a friend that I wanted "a car that's a truck, but it's not." He thought I meant an El Camino- when really I meant an SUV- but the term was not widely used at that point). So here's what I've learned:

I am not a "career" person- I may have the motivation of a career person but ultimately my life exists outside of the work contained by my job description. There is no job on this planet that fully embodies how I want to spend my time. There is no career that will ever give me the stability that I want or expect, so therefore I need to work out those details on my own and try to plug a job into them. I would like to get to the point right now that if my place of employment were to burn down I would say, "eh, I guess I won't be working for awhile," rather than be totally thrown off.

I am a family/friends/neighborhood person- with these things, I'm usually happy.

I am a travel/old country person- the more, the better.

That being said, I'm taking the stand that I will never wait for stability (in job/financial form) to really do what I want to do. If I get a great job that pays well- fine. Otherwise, I'm just going to do whatever I want and not wait for something else to happen with work. I don't want to be sitting here 10 years from now thinking "why did I keep waiting for that to get better?" Even though this isn't a resolution, so to speak, I'm just going to "go for it" all the time- and put everything before work. (Which in my terms means that I'll still work hard at work- but in the rock/paper/scissors game "family/friends" and "travel" always beat work.

this IS "worse," it's ALWAYS "worse"

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:58:18 GMT

So, ladies and gentlemen...

My college degree is trash. I hate it. It was a complete and total waste of my time. In hindsight, I should have quit back when I seriously thought about it. I'm tired of applying to stupid jobs, and having stupid racist people not hire me. Dah! My best job prospect is a job that makes less than what I made 6 years ago... and won't let me work as many hours.

My overall trend has been low for over the past decade. The "things will get better soon" mantra is more of a lie than any sort of authentic motivation. I thought high school would be the "better"... nope. I thought college would be the "better"... nope. I thought career would be the "better"... nope. That is almost as bad as the "things could be worse" attitude. I think people who have that attitude are either in a better place than before, or don't know what bad is actually like. I maintain that I am still in a bad place- so the "things could be worse" mindset opens up a whole host of memories of how bad things have been before... and I would actually prefer some of those things to what I'm going through now. THIS is going to be my "things could be worse" scenario IF "things get better soon."

I'm tired of dealing with crazy and stupid people. Imagine having to re-work all the basic communication tools that were taught to you in the early years of life. I have never wanted to cause physical harm to anyone as much as I have in this past year.

I have very few things actually working in my life. On a daily basis, people recommend I give up those things to make my life "better." But, I'm doing what I've never done before. I'm holding on to what I have in tight fists- that way I'm ready if someone tries to take it away.

I can't believe how long I listened to other people. They were wrong and I kept believing them. As I read though previous entries I think about how long I've been completely stalled in this horrible position.

Inheritance

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:56:39 GMT

It is strange to have a grandparent die and then a parent so soon after. When my grandpa died he left a fair bit behind for his kids. When one of those kids dies then it goes on to their kids, allegedly. It is strange to know that less than 50 miles away I can find a temporary cushion to help my life. While my dad didn’t leave me with much- I am certain that the effects will be lasting. I have inherited: an unknown monetary amount (of relatively low value to most), a quick wit, and a brain that is eating me from the inside out. Also, who could forget the genetic predisposition to addiction and the remote possiblity that one of my kids (out of about 16) could have blue eyes.

I think there are about 2 players left on my first string of friends. I can call them and maybe, just maybe, arrange something to do with them. My second string of friends is boutiful in number, but pretty much always busy. There is no third string. I have inherited remaining members of my other friends’ first strings. The only thing we have in common is a first string friend- and the fact that we’ve kindof hung out before. I have inherited these people, and they have inherited me.

People leave this town so quickly. I have inherited their litter, leftover college days, and abandoned goods. For years, people have been abandoning this town. I have inherited the courthouse fish, the story of the clock tower being on fire, the old movie theaters. None of those people were ready to inherit them, so they left. I am here, I have inherited this. It is a gift and a burden, a big hard to describe burden. Nobody realizes it, they are too busy leaving.

This ethnicity, inherited. I know the stories: the British did that, we did this. The boat landed here, we did this. This person died eating grass, we did this. We eat this. We like this. Luckily, I’ve found other people who know they inherited the ethnicity. One friend said, “my ancestors didn’t cross the Atlantic on some stupid sailboat just so you could forget to put the accent mark on my name!” Its’ true, those boats really sucked… as did the situations on both ends of the trip.

As I sit here with a splitting headache, a trait also inherited, I think of the mixed bag of inheriting things. What things should I filter out and not pass on? What things should I seek to inherit? What things should I create for someone else to inherit?

Spinning Wheels

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:53:04 GMT

I have this vivid memory of gripping my sand-coated steering wheel last winter with my car door open as I looked back at my mom... and then pressed on the gas. I was so frustrated- the situation had gotten worse, not only were my wheels STILL spinning in the snow, now my steering wheel was covered in sand from my mom's prior attempt (albeit noble)to spread sand on every slick surface outside (and unfortunately inside) my car. As an adult male, I rarely feel like crying out of frustration... but it took every ounce of my patience to handle that situation without shedding any tears. If you coupled my snow-covered driveway with a hefty dose of OCD, you might understand why I consider it so frustrating.

I consider myself a goal-oriented and motivated person, but when the environment is not conducive to my achievement there's a point where I have to decide to cut my losses. Leave the car at the bottom of the driveway and move on without it.

Here's the metaphorical part:

Every single day, I press on the gas pedal. Sometimes I move forward an inch or two, but for the most part I just slide a bit backwards. And, though it might not directly influence the outcome- there is a lot of annoying sand on my steering wheel. At what point do I leave the car at the bottom of the driveway and move on without it?

The people who cover my steering wheel with sand aren't trying to make it more frustrating for me. I don't think I've ever seen so much sand.

I know I'll get out of the car eventually- it's just a matter of when I do it and how much I'm willing to keep pressing the gas.

I don't know.

__________

In case you're wondering about the real car and its sandy steering wheel. I cleaned it several times after the incident. However, there were always grains of sand in the vents and narrow seams of the dashboard. I traded the car in recently, sand and all. I think I waited too long to give up the last time, though, I don't envision myself trying to get up the snowy driveway anytime in the near future.

What's in a name, Marching Hundred Stacy?

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:17:26 GMT

I went to Starbucks the other day with my friend Stacy. I mentioned that I knew a guy, John Starbucks, who worked there. Starbucks isn't really his last name, you know that.... right? But it's still really common for people to use these ancient methods of naming people. It's like our Irish folklore friend Fionn... that's not his real name, that's based on his hair color. So just like someone might be "Black-Haired Joe" based on appearance, someone else is Matt Stella Ridge based on residence, or someone is Gay Opera Matt based on occupation or area of study.

So- I began to examine some of the ways that I name people based on context.

Amelia or Real Amelia (because another friend has the formal name Amelia but I always called her by her nickname)

Young Nathaniel: My stepbrother who is younger than me and his middle name is Nathaniel, his first name is close enough to mine that people call us the wrong names.

Young Alexandra: Based on the Young Nathaniel model, originally used to describe someone as younger than me in a tearm of endearment.

Molly Tamale or Tamalia: A nickname given for the convenient rhyme and description of her spicy personality.

Budweiser Jeff: What my mom calls a Jeff who she knows, he works for Budweiser, we have several Jeffs in the family.

California Mike: The name for a cousin in California who has the same name as a cousin here.

If you have examples of names like this, please add them.

Looking ahead on my dog's 14th birthday.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 02:40:28 GMT

I've had an interesting few weeks.

So, my dog died a couple of weeks ago. It was surprising in that she was doing pretty well up until that point. It was not surprising in that she was almost 14. To be honest, I knew that she was going to die her whole life. I had discovered our previous dog when she died, so I probably dwelled on the inevitable possiblity more than I should have. When she was very little my dad said that we should watch her out back to make sure that a large bird of prey (I think he said hawk) didn't snatch her up. That's a possiblity where I live.

I was sad about it. I'm glad that I made a point to talk to her a lot in the end. She was a pretty good listener.

A very short time later, my grandpa died. Granted, I was still in a bizarre mindset from our dog dying. At this point, I wouldn't have been surprised if 5 or 6 other key people died. I was just expecting for someone to call me up with a full necrology. It was more than waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Today my friend backed into my car. She feels bad about it, I was like "eh, it happens." The little honda symbol is now eclipsed by the bumper. I'll get it fixed. Life will go on.

Overexposure

Mon, 07 May 2007 01:58:04 GMT

There are times that I sit at the computer thinking about all the low-wave radiation that is penetrating my body. Similarly, people worry about sun exposure- as their pasty flesh turnes a vibrant red. I feel fortunate that I do not burn easily.

There are many times that I feel reclusive. Spending hours at the computer, alone. Avoiding situations where people say "HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER! HOW ARE YOU?!?!?" I am rarely shirtless. I change clothes relatively quickly... and on days when I feel really outgoing (now I'm making fun of myself) I'll change with my door open when there's no one home. In this way I would say that I'm underexposed.

Working in a public job (one where people will will stop me on the street and say hi, when I least expect it) I have to work hard to maintain any form of privacy. It wouldn't surprise me if someone said, "I saw you blink 10 times while at the bank last Tuesday." This is where my paranoia and guilt come into place. I try to cover my tracks when I can- social rules and internal fears dictate a fair amount of my behaviors.

Today at work I messed something up, and it felt as though all of my credibility was rushing out of my body. How stupid do you have to be to do a job for 6.5 years and mess up something so basic... and mess it up so badly? I worked the guilt away pretty well.

I realized that my computer, when I am not around it but am somehow logged on, is like a modern underwear drawer. (Nobody wears underwear anymore, right?) But seriously. It's like, I have my basic boring English papers but then I have more personal rantings... more personal projects. As a proponent of curiousity, I have countless google searches for countless topics. If I think of something, I'll type it in, I'll learn about it... and then I feel better. I don't expect my random curiousities to be shared with the world. (I do a lot of filtering before I knowingly put something to the public eye.)

Okay, right now I feel overexposed to typing- so that is all.

Inside my head, inside my car.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 03:37:39 GMT

I cleaned out my car for the first time in... who knows how long. It was, overall, a very revealing situation. My car and I have had an interesting relationship- one which has now turned into an apathetic negligence. I maintained it well. It lost its unique quality when everyone and their sister got one. I got in a minor accident with it. Fixed EVERYTHING. Now it has dings from people being stupid. As the multi-colored glow of warning lights illuminates my face, I'm sure I scowl.

It's a really symbolic thing, my car, in that it represents phases of my life. When I cleaned it out, I realized that I have been pretty depressed for a pretty long time. I found things from last summer, back when I was slightly more hopeful.

My head is just spinning out ideas lately. I feel like I would have to live 5 lifetimes to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. If I were to attain the right kind of medium, I would just be producing massive amounts of my kind of creative stuff.

Leftover Steak and Yearnings for the Past

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 02:57:16 GMT

I essentially went rummaging through for table scraps this evening. I'm not even prestigious enough to warrant my own steak. Instead, I ate leftovers of a half-eaten steak my mom left in the fridge. I have somehow obtained this fallen status that I try to rid myself of, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I used to get my own steaks.

The Balance of Success

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 02:15:06 GMT

Today I was cleaning up mucus-filled dog puke at work, and I thought, "surely this is not my life." I started thinking about it... in all great stories of success there is that low point that embodies the human struggle. I remember a customer saying something once that kindof offended me. He thought the floor looked dirty and he said, "why don't you have some flunky come in here and mop the floor?" To which I replied, "actually, it's my job to mop the floor in this area." I enjoy cleaning my work environment... but today the dog puke meant a little more.

So- I better be really successful later to balance out this low point.

Loosening my tie and tying up loose ends.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:44:30 GMT

That's a big joke, I don't wear ties.

I think there's a big difference between being pulled back by something, and stepping back to see the big picture. Over the past week or so, I've been stepping away from the daily grind to look at the overall scheme of things. My wheels have really been spinning a lot over the past couple of years. I know what I want SO badly, and yet the more I try to get it, the futher away I get.

I'm thinking that maybe if I back away far enough, I'll be able to figure out exactly what I need to do. So, I'm backtracking... I'm writing the e-mails, reading the past, and moving backwards through my life. Then, when nobody expects it, I'm going to run for exactly what I want... and I'm going to take it.

Trying to be in denial.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:56:27 GMT

Meh. I'm trying my darn'dest to be in denial. Looking back, not so fabulous. Looking forward, the forecast is still bleak. Today I decided, "if I'm going to be living on the edge, then I might as well have fun doing it." So, I don't know what I'm going to do with my uninsured self, but it might as well be risky since my attempts to be stable do me no good.

Maybe I should take up smoking, or contact sports.

Home for the Holidays

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 04:30:38 GMT

As many of my dear friends know- I don't have to go very far at all to consider myself home... most of the following comments will relate to things that I have realized as I watch other people in their "home for the holidays" mode.

This is the time of year that the cosmos sortof open up to encourage connection. Most people are ready to see people from the past, and therefore are much more likely to. In talking to Cory, I quickly realized that we were still very much on the same page in spite of her being in Florida for a semester. While we were spouting off our thoughts we ran into Emmy/Emmie (depending on what era the friendship started.)

It seems like I saw Emmy once after high school- but for the most part we did all of our expected catching up. It is interesting to me that in spite of such a dormant period in our friendship we were talking as if it were still part of the daily routine. I made a joke, she made a joke, we both chuckled. I got her e-mail address and moved on.

Today I ran into another girl I went to high school with. She was pretty quick to say that she had done nothing of note over the past couple of years. What a lot of my non-native friends don't realize is the particular brand of accomplishment this town demands. We are scripted from a very early age to discuss college, world travels, doctoral work, exotic foods. In response, I told her that I really didn't have anything truly interesting to say. We talked briefly about random facts. I made a joke, she made a joke, we chuckled. I got her e-mail address and moved on.

________

I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to Chicago last week, the plans fell through (not because of me.) My mom tried to make suggestions for alternate trips. Then eventually she got to the point where she said, "well, you're from here, so you can't exactly make a trip out of going home.... that would always be my fall-back plan, but you just don't have that option."

In the spirit of mom-ness she told me that I should just stop making plans with unreliable friends. I told her that I make plans with the most reliable friends that I have- and the only person that is more reliable is her... and she was the reason why our last trip fell through- am I supposed to get a more reliable parent? It really makes you think.

At this stage- people are filtering themselves out of my life if they have consistent difficulty with following through. I try to give ample chances, but if it's just me putting forth a committment then it's probably not worth my time. I think it's a good indication of how valuable I am to someone else if I am continuously taking a backseat to vague time-consuming efforts. "Yeah, this is a really busy week." I have made it a priority to meet with one of my friends once a week for the past 6 years- and even when I wasn't on the continent, at least I called. I have to put much less effort into that once-a-week meeting than I do all these failed attempts to meet with other people.

I look forward to being married (or something like it) because I want to be somebody's #1 priority a more substantial part of the time. Right now, I don't think I'm locking in above #3 on anyone's list. I put other people as #1 priority on my list all the time, and maybe that's where I'm making a mistake.

Maybe I just need to get out of this culture- and I guess I just have to be comfortable with the fact that many of the people around me wouldn't notice that I'm gone. I'd probably see them more often if I were gone anyway.

Eh, maybe next year.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 05:19:43 GMT

Well, in spite of my efforts (and unless something fabulous comes up in the next few days) this was not the best year of my life.... according to the statistics it might be the worst. (Insert list of common stressors.)

The physical toll that the stress has taken on me is just a small indication of the mental toll. As I assess my goals for next year, they are almost entirely the same as those for this last year- thus demonstrating that I didn't accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish. This year I have had less time, less money, and less fun. Yesterday, as I stood talking face-to-face with the past, I got the most comfort from the fact that my dog stood next to me instead of next to him. I don't often give my dog credit for understanding the mess of the past- but perhaps she has become more insightful in her old age.

In 2007, I envision that I won't be wearing shoes as much- because I'm having difficulty restocking my personal shoe selection. As my 24 year-old feet have grown, I have determined that I am still not entirely comfortable with my body. I'm mostly annoyed. I'm going to give myself a few months to sort out some of these ridiculous issues. I can't really be helpful to other people until I'm on a better course.

I think I definitely need to up the aggression level just a bit- less time retrospectively lamenting, more time kicking people to the curb. Sometimes I give in too easily. I should just adopt the mantra, "if you say yes when you don't mean it, you're letting the imperialists win."

While I could easily adopt the mantra, "it could be worse," I feel that would just be a huge disservice to myself and all the people who have invested time and energy into me. It can always be worse- and that's a lame excuse for accepting something.

As I say, "when life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into life's eyes and see how life likes it!" I'm not going to pretend I'm in the mood for lemonade all the time. Besides, I have sensitive teeth, and life shouldn't be so passive aggressive with the lemons.

So- here I am, ready to leave 2006 and move on to 2007. Hopefully, my gains next year will be more measurable. I'll be more satisfied with myself and others. What can be replaced will be replaced. What has been lost will be remembered.

Certavi et vici.
I have seen and conquered.

Paradigm Stall

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:30:45 GMT

I realized when I was driving home the other night that sometimes it is too much to take. In my efforts to live more in the present, I become depressed. The present can bore me at times. It isn't that exciting. The past is so weighted. In a span of 5 minutes I might think about The Catholic Emancipation, spinal tumors, helicopter crashes, and the time I broke the TV knob back in 1984. For having been born less than 3 decades ago and not being Catholic, I am really glad about the positive influence The Catholic Emancipation has had on my life. Maybe I think too much.

In the future, I see the deaths- all the endings to everything I regard as important. Jumping from stone to stone making comparisons of how things are similar even though they are not the same. My favorite pants will go off the market. My favorite tree will get cut down. My favorite farmhouse will be destroyed. I will have to find new pants, new trees, and new farmhouses. None of them the same. I will try what I can to stop these changes, but my efforts often go unnoticed.

I am, in so many ways, the me that I have always been. I am weathered from the hardships. Will anything feel as good as it would have before? Who will I emancipate? What will I do? When will I be excited about being me again?

I feel like I'm on the outside of so many things and all the things that are truly me are no longer the forces in my life. I'm definitely looking forward to new encounters- but I hope they come close to playing in a pile of sand or riding my bike.

I am living in grey somewhere between the past and the future.

Outgrowing My Shoes

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 01:19:52 GMT

Let's get right down to it, shall we?

I am 24 years old, and my feet are still growing. Just when I got all settled in to being one size for awhile and building a nice wardrobe it struck.

I think I have gone from what I considered a somewhat normal size 12 (wide) shoe to a new bracket of weird. I am now a 13 wide and it will take me a long time to get used to that.

So, I'm trying to think of how to turn this into a "reinvent yourself" experience. I just assumed that I would be this 6'ish guy with size 12 shoes, and that was going to be what I'd work with for the rest of my life. I would get my permanent retainers taken out when my wisdom teeth come in, have kids, diversify my portfolio, and grow old.

I was wrong.
Perhaps I'm in for round 2 of something I thought was over.

Flashback

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:40:10 GMT

I am currently being encouraged to join a local music group to play my "secondary instrument" of days gone by. I have been having a flurry of flashbacks relating to my oboe experiences.

It's so weird. It's not just, "I remember playing that one song." I'm remembering a lot of hilarious jokes and random circumstances that relate to my high school band experiences. I keep having the urge to call people and say, "hey you may not remember this, but I couldn't resist reminding you about...."

Anyway. More to come.

Going Crazy

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 00:56:34 GMT

I'm so frustrated and I think it's making my OCD come out in full force. It isn't one single event that has frustrated me, but I called my mom in a mini-tyrade on my way home from work. Which basically ended in me saying that on a day that I finally am off, I'm going to have to just drive, and drive, and drive, until I can't drive anymore because I have not been ANYWHERE of interest since March. Which is only reasonable if I am physically unable to travel- but that is not the case. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING PURELY RECREATIONAL in some place far enough away.

I feel like I keep getting dropped mid-conversation with people or there's a lot of "not now, I'm busy."

I'm in the middle of working an 18-day stretch. It was a 15-day stretch followed by two days off. If we do our math correctly, that means that out of a 35 day block I have had two days off. That is a horrible ratio, and I'll never let it happen again.

I just have to make it to Saturday without doing something drastic, and I'll be okay.

Five Years Later

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 03:07:40 GMT

When I think about how I feel about September 11th, I try to imagine how people more closely linked to it feel. Sure, I think we all share a certain emotional territory but other than that I didn't deal with anything first hand. From time to time, I try to remember what that day was like for me being miles and miles away.
______

It was a typical college day. I had a psychology test that I was pretty certain I would do poorly on. I walked out of class at what I think would have been 9:50 EST. I trekked the distance to the School of Education thinking about what a phenominal day it was. The weather was *perfect* and I can't imagine any way the weather could have been better. The more I was around people, I could sense little rumblings about something.

I walked into class. "And then a helicopter crashed in Pennsylvania, this CAN'T be a coincidence," said a girl in my education class. The story was told and retold several times while our teacher tried to find out when a TV would be in the lounge for us to watch. We all made our way out. Students with family in New York and New Jersey excused themselves to make phone calls. Waiting there in the lounge, I think we all entered our zombie state for the day. A family friend walked by, so I talked to him in an incredibly vague way. It was so somber and ceremonial when the TV arrived. It was the first time I had seen anything. The first image I saw was of Manhattan in panorama with billows of smoke coming from the World Trade Center. My first thought, I believe, was, "what did we do? Who did we piss off?" Keep in mind, I had already heard a lot of theories before I saw anything.

The rest of the day was spent wandering.
Wandering out after seeing the same coverage for several minutes.
Wandering to find somewhere to sit.
I found a friend in front of the auditorium. We sat there and talked. She was a high school friend, and I'm pretty sure I was meant to find her.

Several busses passed us that said "Stadium Express- Have A Nice Day :)" Every loud sound and every siren triggered a fear that something else was happening. The message on the bus brought no comfort.

Not knowing if classes were canceled or if the world was ending, I wandered around- being pulled into any room that had a TV. I, after several stops, ended up in my world music class. The professor said, "obviously we aren't going to have class- but stay as long as you want." I sat there watching until I realized that I could be at home doing the same thing. I really don't remember much after that point- everyone was in a fog- and nothing really made much sense.

Have I fallen victim to WORKOHOLISM?

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 15:16:21 GMT

My last day off was a week ago- and I was supposed to work but I was sick. I can't remember what day I was off prior to that point.

I know one thing for sure. I'm in the midst of a 15 day stretch with no days off. In relaying this fact to my mom she said, "well, you're off on Friday." If off means working only 8 hours, then yes, I am off. I have requested Labor Day off and I think I really need it.

More to come, I've got to go to work.

Mildly Controversial

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 02:28:55 GMT

I don't write to many controversial entries, but this one may fall into that category. Here's why:

Women
Money

I've been developing a really strong opinion- and before I express this opinion I want to lay out these facts.

1) Many of my years were spent being solely raised by my mother
2) All of my closest friends are women
3) I think that wages should not be based on gender lines

That being said, Why do we have this cultural milieu of men needing to "take care" of women? I don't get it. I have pretty good deals worked out with my friends, we either split dinner costs, or take turns paying. I think that it's really derogatory for anyone, especially women, to perpetuate this illusion that they are dependent on the men in their lives. I am glad that I usually only see this from a distance, and it's not really present in my immediate relationships.

I don't like this TV setup where the dad is stupid and the mom is only concerned with shopping. Look for it, it's in so many commercials and shows. Dad is stupid, he pays for everything, but he's stupid. No, kids, your mom is stupid for marrying him and perpetuating a 1950s standard. Yes, he is stupid for letting that happen- but seriously, it's got to stop.

I think in order for us to become a better society we have to become more aware that we have this obsolete beast invading our lives. Our society has advanced so much, let's drop this outdated piece.

I believe that women should be able to stay home with their children, if they so choose, without major social punishment. The flip side to the coin is that men should have the same option. People are allowed to take care of each other- we need that, but equality isn't going to happen if people clutch onto the old ideals of a dominant patriarchy. We can't have it all.

This gender identity thing is messy.

This Dual Life

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 15:01:14 GMT

I have mentioned in the past that I feel like I'm a dual life. This is very much true. I know that very few people have a streamlined life where everyone in it knows everyone else.

Right now, I'm not only working my long-lived job- but I'm trying to get things squared away for my future. This means that I have more secret phone calls than your typical cheating 20-something individual. If my phone rings one more time with that other area code, I don't know what I'm going to do. It is pretty awkward when I think about it.

So, I guess I'm set for the fall? I'll believe it when I see it, I suppose. I am so eager to have a real day off: a day where I'm not doing something for another job, or looking for another job, or doing anything job related. Once I have the time that I want, I'm going to label it as sacred and be really selfish about my time for about a year.

Speaking of not protecting my time, I was stupid and volunteered to go into work 2 hours early today- bleh. What was I thinking?

Self Diagnosis

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 17:14:22 GMT

I started to theorize, "maybe I will NEVER actually be happy, it may be something that is outside of my personal capacity." I can be happy in a moment, but rarely is it an entire day or week, or month. I don't think I've had a really good year since maybe the Clinton administration. Perhaps even before that.

My stress level is really high. Essentially, I have been trying to get myself out of a hole for the past 17 months. If I weren't so focused on the future it would have been more problematic. I wouldn't have made it through on a day-by-day mindset.

I started off the day by downloading music. Somewhere in the middle of a 50s classic, it hit me: the gravity has been too strong lately, and maybe always. In an earlier entry I mentioned that "if it doesn't feel like I'm flying" then it's not worth it to me.

I'm not pulling the "troubled childhood" card, but there have always been realities in my life that discourage me from adopting a strongly optimistic approach.

1) I have always known that at any point anyone can die- and I often assume that people will die before their socially appropriate time.

2) I have long known that children can be more responsible than their parents. Some parents have bad judgement.

3) Everyone is two-faced in some way. What you see is RARELY what you get... you usually get something worse.

4) The masses are stupid. People who have control of their lives don't use it very wisely, making easily avoidable mistakes.

as a result of these things-
I am overly cautious.
I do not trust people.
I am not happy.

Up until a couple of days ago I was able to fake happiness on a public front. Still being friendly and nice to the customers at work, pretending that it's where I really want to be. Lately, I've wanted to go home before I even get to work. I have kept it to basic business without the friendly frills. I am done. I need a change of scenery and a change of income. I need to be appreciated for my abilities.

I need to be happy for more than one customer interaction.
I need to be happy for more than one outing.
I need to be happy for more than one afternoon.
I need to be happy between this August and next August.
I will do whatever it takes.

enthusiasm? optimism?

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 05:28:05 GMT

I wish I could be a bit more enthusiastic or optimistic about what the near future holds... but I'm not that good at telling myself lies.

I'm giving myself 10 more days before I truly explore the other options and move on with my life. My seemingly meaningless life.

Thoughts of the Day

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 03:14:06 GMT

1. My family is huge. I have aunts and uncles that are closer to my age than they are to my parents' ages. I have cousins spanning from in utero to 22 (and I'm just counting first cousins.) There is no way we are ever all in one place at one time. I like it huge- but the size of my family struck me again today when I had absolutely no "downtime." It was odd, today I saw all my siblings, my dad called, etc.

2. I am undervalued and misunderstood. I'm sure a lot of people actually feel this way. At work today I needed help with something (a rarity) and I didn't get help with it. It was a repeat incident with a repeat offender and it made me irate. I hardly ever say anything negative to someone that I work with in the presence of outsiders- but today I was intellectually badmouthing him until he was out of sight. I think the "outsiders" as I call them, were pretty aware that I was a conscientious person who was giving him the logical smack-down he deserved. I was actually pretty easy on him for how angry I was. Today a woman said, "Here you are, working hard like you always do, and everyone else is wandering around aimlessly like they have no idea what they should be doing right now." I'm glad someone recognizes my talents.

3. This 17 month job search is draining me senseless. Fortunately, I've had some interviews over the past few days and one more on Monday- but seriously people.... If I don't get an offer out of any of these, I will be forever changed. 16 more days until I change my tune to one of complete and utter rebellion against a system that appears incapable of serving me well. Maybe I'd have more luck changing the welfare system, or living off of it- whichever seems most appropriate in 16 days.

It really is taking a toll on my health, physically and mentally.